Dragon_DeathDealer on Xanga

Oh The Future's Got Me Worried Such Awful Thoughts.
My Head's a Carousel Of Pictures.
The Spinning Never Stops.
I Just Want Someone To Walk In Front
And I'll Follow The Leader.
Like When I Fell Under The Weight Of A School-Boy Crush
I Started Carrying Her Books And Doing Lots Of Drugs.
I Almost Forgot Who I Was.
But Then Came To My Senses

Dragon_DeathDealer

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Name: Ben
Gender: Male

Interests: ...Interests? I guess I enjoy writing...I can express my feelings and emotions better through writing than through speech. I also like driving, reading, being around that special person...
Expertise: Criticizing, arguing, bitching/whining, just about any kind of gun you can think of, selling yizzle and herb, making people laugh, scaring people with the eyeliner, marksmanship, and finally; Moaping about in my own pathetic self pitty.
Occupation: Operations
Industry: Legal

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sd_dragon200382

Member Since: 1/12/2004

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Wednesday, May 31, 2006

It's May 31. Nearly 4 months later...

What's changed?

Well I got this new Job working for a marketing company...that changed my personality and outlook on life. I love my life. I'm so naturally and genuiley happy. I couldn't care about the bull shit because it's insignifigant. But Some bull shit happened and they told me to take 6 months off so now I'm working at Fuddruckers again.

Jessica did break my heart. I hoped she wouldn't. I wished that she'd follow through with her idea of getting back together with me but she didnt. She hooked up with some guy from the NAVY and then he turned out to be no good and she's been single since. But on Mothers Day I went to visit her. It was the beginning of a new era. She hadn't really changed but I felt I had. I was a much more outgoing person. A lot smarter. I got it all from that other job. On Mothers Day we didn't do anything but sit around and watch TV and talk and talk and talk. We hoarsed around a lil...that's it. But when I left she was stuck on my mind for the following two days till I arranged to see her again. This time we did the same...hoarse around...talk...then we went to the pool hall and played some pool.

We continued to have the same routine. Just the days were closer and closer. Soon I spending more time at her house than my own, talking with her family. Talking with her. And we started getting a lil closer.

So I've always told her that if there's anything she really needs she can ask and I'll help. I'll do anything for her. Then she got kicked out again.

So now she's living with me. It's going on day 3 now. All we seem to do is flirt. We joke around by talking shit to each other and using play violence. But everything is going pretty good between us. There's a lot of drama going on in her life. She doesn't have her baby. But we're making it work.

All my roomates moved out. They all went to Arizona.

Country got sick of it so I drove out and picked her up. I got her a job with my company, let her stay with me till she got on her feet. But then she started doing really well with the job. She was making money despite a few negatives she had going on. Country is very easily knocked down and emotionally broken. The guys in the office are NEVER hard on her because she's cute and she's a girl. But if she has a bad day in the field...everything goes to hell. she cries over it. She has a hissy fit. things just go shitty. And the managers never see it because she perks up around them but when they're not there she goes back to being a fucking baby. So I called her out on it and she got defensive. I then threw some things at her I probably shouldn't have...I told her if it weren't for me she'd be frying chicken at Popeyes in Arizona right now instead of making a hundred dollars a day. I said I've given and given and given to her but all she's done is take with no gratitude. So she moved out. She owed me a lot of money. I gave up my living space. I spent 50 bucks in gas to go get her which she said she'd pay me back. I bought her food. I tried...

Rachelle and all of them live out there still. Ryan broke her heart so she lives with her mom only. The rest of them got an apartment and spend their days getting high. Rachelle came out to visit and it made me realize how much I miss her. Now she's planning on moving to LA soon to start school. She wants Jessica to go with her but I'm not too wild about it because it's only JUST now that things are getting good between us.

I'm happy. I haven't been able to honestly say that in so long. I'm happy and it's not because of a girl. Not because of anything but that I'm comfortable with myself. I appreciate what I have. And I know what I can do with my life. I have a future. I just have to go get it.

However. I've been fucking up with my other job, Fuddruckers. I ditched twice. Didn't even call the second time. I have no idea when I work next I'm just guessing it's tomorrow but I don't know what time. I need to call soon to find out when. Otherwise I rock at that place. I'm so much faster than the other cooks. I also get more tips than any of the other GSA's. The managers fucking love my attitude.

Life's good.

10:46 AM - 13 views - 2 eprops - add comments - email it

Sunday, February 19, 2006

So here's what I decided to do...
Jessica fucked up on this. But the bigger picture is that there is a great possibility we could get back together and that is something I want more than anything.
As stupid as all the logic sounds behind this...it's what I've decided to do. I haven't accepted nor forgoten nor forgiven her actions. But I will get over it and nor longer dwell on it. It's not hurting me as much as other shit has before. She's never really hurt me that badly. Just some shit she's pulled but I'll get past it.
The way I feel about that girl is real and I'm not going to toss it away with a stupid decision she's made. What she did was fucked up, disrespectful, and fucking rude but she's learned.
I just hope I'm not getting my hopes up. I hope I'm not going to get my heart broken.
I don't wanna endure that kind of shit again. Rachel and Crystal were more than enough. Just half the shit Crystal put me through is enough.
But I still love her...I've just learned to forget.

7:58 PM - 1 view - 2 eprops - add comments - email it

Things got fucked again...
It was starting to look up. Me and Jess were goin good. We were getting along, and getting closer.
So last night everyone wanted to have a last TJ trip and I was thinking about going but I already went last night and so I didn't feel like going again. Jessica was looking foreward to this for over a week now. We were out doing our thing and then her mom calls and says she needs to take the baby for a few days, thus fucking up her plans for TJ.
Now...being the nice, caring guy I am, I offered to watch the baby while she went out and had her fun.
Everything was good when they left.
I wake up this morning at about 6 and she had brought home a guy...
Instead of using instinct and breaking his neck like I wanted to, I calmed down and left cause she wasn't doing anything infront of me. But then I leave for an hour to clear my head and things got worse...
I walked into my room and they were sleeping in my bed. I told them to get the fuck out of my bed and I layed down, listening to my Ipod, trying to calm down.
So after about an hour or so I felt a lil better so I went out for a smoke and when I walk out, Ryan walks in and see's them on the floor and he started tripping and then my neighbor started tripping and they're telling me to beat his ass.
But I see it as her fault. I did a favor for her. I've dropped so much money on her. I've done so much for her not asked for one fucking thing in return and she pulls this shit as if I'm not to fucking care.
I'm torn...I wanna kick her out. But then I don't.
I'm going to talk to her about it later when I feel a lil more relaxed but otherwise I'm pretty fucking pissed and I feel like taking out my swords and fucking him up right in my front pattio.
Should I?

9:31 AM - 1 view - add eprops - add comments - email it

Thursday, February 09, 2006

So now that the time for everyone to leave is drawing nearer and nearer...I need to talk to my mom. I dunno why I continuiously put it off. I know she nor my father will have a problem with me moving home but something in me is saying not to do it. I know I must do it. No question about it. I know that for a fact they'll help me move all I need to move. I know it'll only take me a day to pack considering it only took me 3 hours the first time. I know it'll only take a few hours to move and only one trip up the hill. But still I feel I should put it off. And honestly...I don't know why.
Jessica has gotten a lot...nicer to me since we seperated and it makes her leaving and me getting over her a lot harder. She's more affectionate as my friend than she was as my girlfriend. I learned I have a problem and it's why I have trouble leaving girls in the past. They can be total bitches to me all the time and I'll hate them for it but the second they show a lil affection and attention...I can't resist them. I recognize the problem but I crave the attention so much I ignore it.
I need to think things through further. Who knows what happens from here.

12:14 AM - 1 view - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

Monday, February 06, 2006

I had a revelation recently.
So...everything is changing once again. I don't like it but I'm gonna deal with it because there's nothing more I can do. Me n Jess are no longer together. My roommates are all moving to Arizona in March. Holly popped back up into my life. And I have to move back home. I fucking hate that. I love my independance. I fucking love it. I don't have to answer to anyone. But I move back and it changes again.
I don't want all this to change. I want it all to go back to the way things were in December. It was sooooo perfect. Me n Jess were doing great. I had a kick ass job. One of my close friends was still free. (He got arrested recently and wouldn;t have if he still had his job with me)
And everyone was happy.
But it's true what they say. Nothing great lasts. And it didn't. Jess got sick of me and I dunno what to do about it. I was hurt...still kinda am but I'm getting over it. Ever since Crystal I've been able to get over girls a lot easier.
Me...the self concious, self-dependant fuckin prick.
Anger...I still have it. And if anything it's gotten much worse. I get pissed off so easily now and now I'm violent. I don't get violent with people but with inatimate objects. I'd prefer to hit someone cause they'd most likley hit back. When you punch a wall it stays a wall...just a crack in it and some blood. But when someone you hit punches back, you hit them and it becomes more than just a person and some blood.
I'm trying to be philosophical but I don't really feel like being in the mood for this shit. I'm fucking agrovated. I don't want Rachelle (my roommate) to move. We've gotten pretty close and right now she's one of the few people out here I trust. That's sad when I can't trust most the people I live with.
Don't get me wrong, I trust Jess too just I feel like when I'm around her I'm being pushed down or something...and I dunno...
Yeah I'm over this...gonna go out now.

1:59 PM - 1 view - add eprops - add comments - email it

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